How to be a "True Indian" on the internet?

Being away from India over the last three years has given rise to a strange longing to become a "true Indian". I also see this icchhaa being prevalent among fellow NRIs. So here's a simple guide to to do exactly that. Thank you in advance and yes, I accept checks.

1. Upload and watch hundreds of "If you are true Indian" videos: First off, let me confess. I failed miserably! On fine morning I decided to watch every darn True Indian video and 4 cups of coffee later I failed! I wasn't even half way through them. But unlike me, if you are not a traitor to your maatrubhoomi.. you HAVE to watch all of them! Uploading some of these will give you additional brownie points
2. Follow the  etiquette  on FB: This is a 2 step process:
   
   1. Update your status when you are going to India. Accompanying the itinerary of your trip must be some corny sentimental statement like: "Waiting to smell the mud when it rains.. aaaaaaaahhh.. I LOVE INDIA!!!!!!!!"
   2. "like" every India trip related post such as above
3. Celebrate Republic day: Remember how you never went  to the "Flag hoisting ceremony" at school? you can make up for it! How?  Wish all your friends on "Republic Day". It really does not matter that the celebrations are extremely expensive, has no real significance and halts traffic in Delhi for days. Part II of this step is to completely forget Martyr's Day 4 days later, because you know, The Mahatma "caused" partition and "killed" Bhagat Singh[sic] 
4. Hate RahulG: Hating politicians in general or the Congress party is not enough, you HAVE to hate this guy. He represents everything  that is wrong in India and you are a complete sunnavvabeech if you like him. Maybe you are from Italy!
5. Say Sachin is god: It does not matter if you like Sachin or not. Every time he as much as middles the ball, you need to come up with "Sachin" and "God" references like, "Cricket is my religion and Sachin is my god", something less cliche and more creative will make you "true-er Indian"
6. Appreciate India's Tech Advances: So what if you are using your swanky new iPad to use facebook, you HAVE to marvel at the rise of AMAZING technology in India such as a lousy tablet (Akash) or LCD screens on Banagalore's buses. You can conveniently forget the fact that TV screens have existed on flights for decades now and that some of the BMTC commutes take longer than most domestic flights, hence justifying costs!
7. Swades: Watch Swades and make it a point to tell people that this is SRKs best performance ever! He is "so natural" 

So there, I have now made life easier for every Indian on the internet. Unfortunately, I don't follow any of these (well, maybe a little bit of 5 and 7) and now that it's on public domain, I expect a call from the ambassador cancelling my passport. I could go to Uncle SAM for citizenship but his immigration process is more convoluted than his election process! What the F%#$ do I do now?!

I HATE RAHUL GANDHI!!!!!!!!!!