Bangalore's midnight problem

"Early shutdown" has been  topic of intense debate over the last few years in Bangalore. You may know it as various names such as "The Cinderella law" or "There goes my midnight meal at Empire" or the slightly more activist-ey, yet grossly inaccurate "Democracy is dead".

So, what's the solution? to answer this, we need to agree on what the problem is. Is this a result of the right-wing BJP coming to power and glorifying it's anti-western-culture agenda? is it a measure taken in good taste by the then police commissioner to reduce night violence which was spiraling up in the city? is it (this is my favorite) an attempt to create a black market for liquor which will benefit a handful of goons?

Fortunately or unfortunately, my views are usually less cynical. It is hard to believe that this was a measure to shun the rights of the people. No one (including the Karnataka government and Bangalore police) benefits from a less profitable Bangalore. They have shot up to importance over the past two decades because  of the city's economic growth. So, while they may incompetent, they are not stupid. So, for the sake of argument, let's assume the plausible scenario where the measure to shutdown was indeed taken to reduce crime at night.

So, how about we shut the city down at 7? This will reduce crime even more! The fact is, our police force currently does not have the competence to protect the city at night. The Bangalore police talk about (and rightly so) about the meteoric rise in the cities population and how it is disproportionate with the rise in the cities police force. So does increasing the police force solve the problem? Not quite. The fact is our cops fight with lathis and a paunch whereas the goons have upgraded to cell phones and guns. So, the need of the hour is police reform. I would have happy with this answer, but then again Mr. Pai brings up an important point. Our police are expected to be crime solvers, Indian-culture protectors and clerical heroes. Apart from law and order, they also have responsibilities such as passport verification, ensuring "obscene posters" are not in public view etc. So yes, we need to rewrite laws. While we are at it, why not reform the judiciary and ensure cases are closed sooner in court. But wait, what about reforming the politicians? After all, they are the "most corrupt" no? So let's reform them too, which means electoral reform.

So, all we need to do to eat out at midnight is police reform, judicial reform and electoral reform. Which means we need to engage with BBMP, the state government, the central government, the supreme court and the election commission. Additionally, some of these reforms need to national. Which means we cannot just solve Bangalore's problem. We need to keep in mind other metros, villages, towns etc. Here is where I believe lies our biggest problem. Most of the suggestions in the public space involve an national agenda to solve a local problem. Why can't the solution be local? how do successful metros attempt to solve these issues?

Our political engagement is mostly at the state level or national level. It is good to have a nationalistic identity, but our politics needs to be local. While this needs a change is mindset of the voter, we also need a change in the power structure in the city. Currently a mayor is elected (not by popular vote) and has a term of one year. Any major political decisions still need to happen at the chief ministers desk. While a five year term for mayor elected by popular voter seems to be the logical solution, the fact is, that this will take away from the state government, their one show piece and biggest cash cow. Unfortunately, after the S.M. Krishna reelection debacle, no chief minister has had the courage to make his term Bangalore-centric. It is still widely believed that Mr. Krishna lost his bid because he was considered the chief minister of Bangalore. Chandra Babu Naidu also faced similar criticism in the neighboring state on Andhra Pradesh. On the contrary, a mayor elected by popular vote will have a political agenda to find local solutions. He/she will not need to shy away from talking about the cities problems. It will also provide us a means to design city specific solution using revenue generated by the city.

So, basically the city is stuck between a rock and a hard place. A state government which will not dare make Bangalore their central political agenda and at the same time will not dilute it's power by handing it over to a mayor with more teeth. This is where the role of civil society should come in. I hope prominent commentators and policy experts make the right noises about the need to create a powerful post for mayor. This to me, seems to be the best way to tackle local issues including (but not limited to) providing a gateway to my midnight Biriyani every time I visit my city.

Why so "hurt"?

The best part about growing up in a country and living in another is observing the differences in culture. If we explain the recent RTE judgement to an American political analyst, he will quickly term India as a "failed socialist state". If Obama ever attempts to introduce NREGA to help the unemployed, it would be considered atrocious. Yet, these are schemes lauded by a majority of the Indian population and in the case of RTE, rightly so (I have my own reservations on NREGA).


Having spent most of my formative years in India, I must confess that my inclinations are closer to the Indian culture than it is to that of Uncle Sam. I am a vegetarian because of my upbringing (NOT by religion), have no inhibitions of living with my parents (even if I have a job) and can watch a cricket match for 5 days. However, if there is one aspect where I believe the Amriki's (sorry) have an upper hand, it's on the very Indian issue of being "hurt when opposed".Anything from accidental consumption of meat to improper representation of our gods to negative reporting in Time magazine (hey, any other magazine is fine, but not on the Time, OK?!) to detainment of a celebrity at an airport pisses us off! So much so, that our beloved foreign minister takes these up as "diplomatic issues". After all, the definition of the Foreign Minister is " The guardian of Indian culture in a foreign land". In no way am I suggesting that these issues are inconsequential or that the foreign ministry should not be involved in matters concerning her citizens. I laud the efforts of SMK in the student murder cases in Australia or the role played so far in Norway.


The recent issue of a Bollywood superstar being help at an airport for hours is a classic example. Indians all over outraged, called it racial profiling and humiliation to a "national treasure" (I am NOT kidding, watch this). Eating meat when you are religiously inclined not to, can indeed be harrowing, but to demand a dip in the Ganges?! Come on!A model in Australia wore Goddess Lakshmi on her underwear, surely, this can hurt your religious sentiments (not mine), but to have demonstrations and get the government involved is crazy!The list could go on...


Will we ever learn to look inwards? I remember watching an immigration officer in Delhi being extremely rude to in illiterate Bihari and throwing a form on his face and smilingly help an African lady with a similar issue. I was disgusted, but only as disgusted as when I heard that it took them two hours to verify Shah Rukh's identity or that Abdul Kalam was frisked before being let in. I agree that the TSA sucks (Hell, most Americans think the TSA sucks), but I was also pulled over multiple times by cops in India demanding to see my license and registration . Not when I was speeding   or posed a threat to other motorists, these were "random" checks. 
After four years in a foreign land, if there is a takeaway I have had, it would be that, India, as a culture, needs to have the ability to laugh at itself and accept disagreement. As Voltaire once said on free speech:   "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
Lets face it, Eminem can make fun of Elvis Presley and still be accepted, however, If a modern singer mocks Lata Mangeshkar, the artist will be an outcast. If Jon Stewart was Indian, he would be shunned, behind bars or dead.


A lot has changed for the good in India over the past two decades. Dowry is no more a norm. "Curfews" and "riots" are not treated with a chalta hain attitude, everyone from the south are not "Madrasis" and everyone from the north are not "Biharis". Corruption is actually an election issue. I only hope we also learn to laugh at ourselves a little more.

How to be a "True Indian" on the internet?

Being away from India over the last three years has given rise to a strange longing to become a "true Indian". I also see this icchhaa being prevalent among fellow NRIs. So here's a simple guide to to do exactly that. Thank you in advance and yes, I accept checks.

1. Upload and watch hundreds of "If you are true Indian" videos: First off, let me confess. I failed miserably! On fine morning I decided to watch every darn True Indian video and 4 cups of coffee later I failed! I wasn't even half way through them. But unlike me, if you are not a traitor to your maatrubhoomi.. you HAVE to watch all of them! Uploading some of these will give you additional brownie points
2. Follow the  etiquette  on FB: This is a 2 step process:
   
   1. Update your status when you are going to India. Accompanying the itinerary of your trip must be some corny sentimental statement like: "Waiting to smell the mud when it rains.. aaaaaaaahhh.. I LOVE INDIA!!!!!!!!"
   2. "like" every India trip related post such as above
3. Celebrate Republic day: Remember how you never went  to the "Flag hoisting ceremony" at school? you can make up for it! How?  Wish all your friends on "Republic Day". It really does not matter that the celebrations are extremely expensive, has no real significance and halts traffic in Delhi for days. Part II of this step is to completely forget Martyr's Day 4 days later, because you know, The Mahatma "caused" partition and "killed" Bhagat Singh[sic] 
4. Hate RahulG: Hating politicians in general or the Congress party is not enough, you HAVE to hate this guy. He represents everything  that is wrong in India and you are a complete sunnavvabeech if you like him. Maybe you are from Italy!
5. Say Sachin is god: It does not matter if you like Sachin or not. Every time he as much as middles the ball, you need to come up with "Sachin" and "God" references like, "Cricket is my religion and Sachin is my god", something less cliche and more creative will make you "true-er Indian"
6. Appreciate India's Tech Advances: So what if you are using your swanky new iPad to use facebook, you HAVE to marvel at the rise of AMAZING technology in India such as a lousy tablet (Akash) or LCD screens on Banagalore's buses. You can conveniently forget the fact that TV screens have existed on flights for decades now and that some of the BMTC commutes take longer than most domestic flights, hence justifying costs!
7. Swades: Watch Swades and make it a point to tell people that this is SRKs best performance ever! He is "so natural" 

So there, I have now made life easier for every Indian on the internet. Unfortunately, I don't follow any of these (well, maybe a little bit of 5 and 7) and now that it's on public domain, I expect a call from the ambassador cancelling my passport. I could go to Uncle SAM for citizenship but his immigration process is more convoluted than his election process! What the F%#$ do I do now?!

I HATE RAHUL GANDHI!!!!!!!!!!

Agnee-Susth

gaaowalo (village fellows).. welcome!  Welcome to the land where no one speaks cos everyone recites a poem. Welcome to the land where a basti which may have no water to drink, but has a fully functional fire hydrant.. welcome to the land where the hero and the villain live after repeated knife jabs and sucker punches, but the villains pappa dies after falling from a flight of 5 stairs... welcome!

Now that you are here, lets go over some of the characters of this film.

Dhinanath Chauhan: I bet all of you have at least one friend who acts like a bloody know-it-all , our man DC is not only a know it all, but also has a mind blowing moral compass and is a killer poet. He has some scumbag idea for everything that goes wrong from how to fix an angry son to how to stop a dangerous man from occupying his village. Luckily, he dies within 30 minutes after the start, 2 stars for that! -1 star for bringing him back in flashbacks.

Vijay Dhinanath Chauhan: Unlike his dad, this guy talks less but is a total bufoon. His personality is beautifully summed up by the fact that he plants bombs to kill the villain's accomplices, but forgets to take a gun to kill the villain himself! He now has to kill the villain with his nange haath(naked hands), which could have been really hard, but Kancha (see next) believes in fair play and unlike his dufus assistants, does not carry a gun himself (he may have some ethical concerns). 5 stars for some neat action sequences, -10 for thinking his dad was cool

Kancha: Kancha is a lovable character who is a mix of Shrek and Voldermort. So Kancha always wanted to be a drug lord, but his secret desire is to become a better poet than DC. 20 stars for a killer performance, -3 for not having this song dedicated to Kancha.


Rauf Lala (alias Alif Laila): He is the drug selling, women trafficking Gangsta who can shake a leg and sing a song! He delivers the bestest dialog in the movie when he asks his son not to dope during business hours, on other times, of course, he can do Cocaine, Heroine or whatever he desires... way to go daddy!

Maa: Total weirdo I tell you! She apparently does not know how to show love, I think the bigger problem is she does not have a role! Who cares?

Kali: -100 stars for killing the pretty lady. Burn in hell Karan Johar!!

Chikni Chameli: My impression of the gorgeous Ms Kaif has been shattered for life. What disappointment!

Now that we all are introduced, let's come to (supposedly) the most important aspect of any movie.. the plot
 Dad dies, son wants revenge, mom hates son for wanting revenge, girl friend knows boy friend may die seeking revenge but does not mind, boy kills villain (Surprised?). I honestly don't care about the plot, that's not why you watch masala flicks.

All in all, even if you are able to forget all the Bollywood absurdities, this movie bloody tires you,. How I  wish there were not as many songs! The background score is very catchy but the poetry is rubbish. It does not help that the movie goes on and on and on.  I am just Susth-ified! Bring on the Red Bull..

The American obsession with color - Relax, it's a good thing!

In the late 19th century the Italians flocked in large numbers to the American east coast. They did so to look for higher wages , lower taxes and to follow the great american dream. Along with them, they brought along their thick accent and the great cuisine. The delicious pizzas, the creamy ragoo and the sauces, aaah.. the sauces! Delicious Alfredo and Marinara and Pesto (I hope you used your fake Italian accent to pronounce the names) and a host of other aromatic sauces which filled your senses . The Americans loved it, so much did they embrace it that they gave it American names.. names which symbolizes American culture as much as the sauce symbolizes Italian cooking...
White sauce
Red sauce
Green sauce
You see what they did? they took something awesome and complicated and made it awesome and simple! So the next time you are standing at your favorite pasta bar and the chef asks you what kind of sauce you need on your pasta, you don't say "what do you recommend?" followed by "sure, let's go with that" simply because you cannot remember the darned Italian name! You nonchalantly say "white sauce"  and get on with life.

You see Americans like things to be simplified. I mean, when James Hoban submitted his grandiose yet extremely practical design for the presidential place, little did he know how the Americans are gonna name it. Is it a house? Yes. Is it white in color? Yes. We shall call it.. The White House!

Let's face it. This is a land of such insane diversity that almost every person you meet has a different ethnic background and hence a different kind of upbringing. So the best way to try and create a homogeneous society is to simplify things to the greatest extent possible, so that everyone is on the same page (to borrow a "cubicle phrase").


This being said, why am I supposed to be offended when I am called the "The Brown Guy"? Am I a guy? Yes. Am I brown? Dark brown, but that's just "details", so, Yes!. I mean you could call me the "The weird beard guy" but I may shave tomorrow and you would look like an idiot. You could call me the "Bald Guy" but science has advanced so much that if I say "screw you" to three years of my savings, I can say hello to a mop of golden hair. But can I change the color of my skin? Hell no! (Unless I am Michael Jackson, which I am not.. I have deep vocals, more like this guy. More on my musical prowess in a different post). So the next time you meet me on the street  and forget my name, feel free to call me the brown guy and I promise not to be offended.


So, relax Yo! I am totally cool with you associating me with the color of my skin. If you really want me to be offended, change the way you live.. call the Italian sauces by the right names, the Thai curries by their real names (Green Curry? Really?!) and change the name of the presidential palace to something more profound, like "The Caucasian House". Deal?


P.S.: I am NOT trying to undermine racial issues, this is a post written at two in the morning on a rather uneventful day where the highlight was lifting a heavy couch. Please attach due importance only.

The most hated phrases of 2011

That's right.. I have a "Top 10" too (Only, its a top 7). Why should news channels and Time magazine have all the fun? I mean what's the difference between them and me anyway? We are meaningless, give a hoot about research and invariably come up with inane arguments. So Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the list of phrases which irked me the most... the phrases which made RA.ONE posters tolerable.. the phrases which made Donald Trump seem bearable .. the phrases Which made me pull my hair off (and hence left me with a balding head). Are you READY?

1. superlike: Following it's predecessors kewl (2010) , LOL(2009) and anywayz/anywho (2000-2008), superlike is used by Facebook peeps. I mean, that Mark dude gave us a "Like" button.. but what if you really really like something? Can we like it twice? No! Clearly he did not think this through. No worries folks, our enterprising Facebookers (BTW, this phrase missed the list by a whisker) have come up with superlike and it's cousin doublelike . You see how smooth this is?! Remember, you don't really love her cat's picture if you "like" it... you need to "superlike" it. Do we have a petition for adding a superlike button to Facebook? No? Good!
2. R.I.P: Alright people. Listen to me and listen good. People are born, they live and then they die.This WILL happen. It's kinda sad when people you like die and even extremely painful when someone you know personally dies. But when Facebook and Twitter are the first things you see every morning, news about a list of dead folks I don't know (or know only as public figures) is not pleasant man! I mean.. I know it looks like you are showing compassion and all, but your "social life" needs to be more than R.I.P <random dead celebrity>" and "Happy Birthday <random Facebook friend> "
3. Hundredth 100: This phrase has seen the entire life cycle. From expectation to anticipation to anxiety to exasperation to anguish. Now every one of Sachin's innings has become like my Job Hunt from the Spring of 2010 ( Apply apply.. no reply). I wish this is not on the "The most hated phrases of 2012" list. Of course, as we all know, granting the wish is in "God"'s hands.
4. Job Creator: This may have something to do with the fact that my primary source of American political news is The Daily Show. I am from the land where there are a LOT of absurdities (Look at the next phrase), but a whole political party replacing the word "rich" with "job creator" is messed up. How many Daily Show clips do you need to watch before you give up? Give me a number and I will post the links!
5. Jan Lokpal: Or as I call it, "Don't look pal". Does not rhyme? No fucking problem! No phrase has messed my head as this one has. Some really smart man came up with the idea that what feeds hungry people is a policemen! But hey, the systems are old and reforms are necessary, right? How can systems built for the 20th century pre-capitalism era work in the modern society? How does CBI's autonomy affect the "common man" corruption you talk about? Is punishment the solution for systemic diseases? Answer: "Screw you.. you are JAILED".
6. Open Letter: On multiple occasions I have thought about writing "An open letter to all open letter writers". I really should write one! I mean, there have been "open letters" written to everyone from Gaddafi's supporters to Delhi Boy to Madrasi Girl. Somehow, you can seem a whole lot of smarter if you put your opinion in an Open Letter . Maybe this post should be an "Open letter to the almost dead English language"
7. Hope: No word took a beating the way this word did! It's taken such a beating, that no one dares to use it anymore. Not in Eurozone, Not in Egypt, Not the Republicans and certainly not Obama. It's not the over use of this word but the lack of it that irked me. Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies - The Shawshank Redemption
   
   
   
   
   

In hindsight, this was the year India won the world cup.. So I really need to stop complaining. Here's to an even better 2012!

+1 to G+

Here's my observations on G+ after using it for a little over a week.

What I like (In no particular order)

• G+ can potentially replace Gmail, Twitter and FB for all my non-professional communication. I rather share a post with my friends about a possible holiday next weekend, than send them an email with an URL. If it's an opinion about the latest movie I watched, open the post up to public and voila! it's your Tweet. How does it replace FB? Read on..
• This deserves a different bullet! Contrary to popular opinion, I am glad G+ looks similar to FB. This ensures that there is not a whole lot of relearning. I can upload pictures, share videos in almost the same way as I can in FB, and mind you FB does this really well. So why reinvent the wheel?! Well done Google, imitation is also an art (FB should be flattered).
• I absolutely love the fact that a lot of thought has gone into the way the pictures are displayed (I have some dis-pleasures as well, but that's in the next section). You can see a picture and the comments without scrolling (unless you have a zillion comments), the nifty little UI (seemingly flicked from Bing Image Search) where you can see all pictures uploaded by your circle and the crown jewel.. the fact that you can see photo information from the actions menu (Aperture, Shutter Speed et al.). A brilliant feature for a photo enthusiast.
• The gloss is taken out of the limelight and buried into the corner. Relationship statuses and Poking do not take center stage and inane games and quizzes are not here yet (although, I may soon be disappointed). If you rate my comic skills in a quiz.. you are probably going to be in my "Annoying" Circle :P
• Sparks! What a brilliant concept! Half baked features for now, but I am willing to patient on this one. Six months later I see myself using this every morning. Fingers crossed!
• G+ Huddle on Android. I see this replacing my ultra-useful but somewhat limited WhatsApp. This will probably be the only such messenger where I can potentially SMS non-phone device (such as an iPod Touch). I can't wait for the App to be available on other platforms (I think Apple is sweating bullets on this one as this is a huge blow to their proposed iOS messenger)
• Now to Circles.. A bit of love hate here, but overall I like the fact that it's a lot more intuitive to segregate people. I also enjoy the twitter-like setup where I decide to see your "public" posts in my stream without your approval.

Things I Dislike

• While I can replace Twitter, Gmail and FB.. I can't replace Blogger and that pains me. Why can't they have HTML Formatting on posts?! Instead of posting this link on G+, I would love to write this on G+ and share it with the world. Shouldn't be too hard.. no?
• I might be a little too demanding here.. but I rue the fact that privacy settings can't be changed on individual pictures. There are different parts of my trip to the beach that I want my friends co-workers to see. Why can't I do that?! (I am reasonably sure this feature does not exist, but I am keen on being corrected :) )
• As much as I like Circles.. it is quite complicated for someone who logs in every now and then and does not analyze the tool. Add to that, the fact that you need to add every one of your contacts to "some" circle can be frustrating for someone who is not excited as I am about G+. This maybe FB hangover, but there should be a more intuitive way of knowing what friend A posted to friend B. To clarify, if I want to compliment a friend on her looks at the party last night and I don't mind my college buddies (who are also her friends) knowing about it.. I need to write a post tagging that lovely lady and share with her and my college buddies.. kinda counter-intuitive don't you think? Right now, FB and Twitter does this brilliantly without messing privacy.
• I am sorta disappointed that Google did not go on overdrive and mention there interpretation of "Public". So I write a post about dinner at an Italian Deli and since it's not a "private" post, I open it up to the world. Some random person can now find my post from Google search and comment on it?! This takes getting used to and Google should have clarified!

Wishlist!

• First of all, I want all my "Dislikes" to be worked on :P
• Sparks needs to be better! I want to decide which of my Sparks topics are shown first (right now, the one's added latest are first on the list) and I want Google to import my Google News topics.
• As developers get involved in making Apps, I really hope Google does a better job than FB at keeping out Spam and Malware.
• Unlimited photos in Picasa is cool, but what we really need is High Resolution support, Slideshow Capabilities and Picnik integration. Won't you love it if G+ could replace Fickr too?! (Even if we need pay some bucks to make it happen)
• Already available nifty features such as notification alert on Tab/Window Title (like what Gmail does when there is an email or FB on notifications), Group/Company profiles etc.
  

Note that, I am not a huge fan of Video Chat and I am not a over concerned about privacy either (Nothing can be "truly private" on the internet). Hence those aspects have not been reviewed.

Overall, I am absolutely loving the G+ experience and I hope the FB friends I like port over. Some Twitter celebrities moving here would help too.

Bottom Line? +1 to G+!